uncivil, fat, dirty best friends forever

You are my best friend man. You have been there, everyday for the past two years or so. You are a serious person, listening to my problems and helping me and making me feel better. You are also the lamest person I know, but somehow your lameness translates into funniness. You are so awkward it's funny. If we don't talk for a day or two, I feel empty and sad (I KNOW YOU DO TOO, DON'T DENY IT). All those times I listened to your problems and you with mine have got to count for something. You are my best friend and will continue to be my best friend no matter what. Nobody is going to drive a wedge between us. Who else am I going to have happy hour with? Don't say that he is now my best friend because that is not true and you know it. Remember that time you stacked grass jelly cans? Yeah. That was fun. WE SHALL NOT DRIFT APART. NOT NOW. NOT EVER.